* Spoilers ahead if you haven’t seen “Hardhome.”
Daenerys is not happy to see Jorah. Or Tyrion. Tyrion works his magic with words and tries to talk his way into a job as Daenerys's adviser. She asks him for his advice on what to do with Jorah. Tyrion tells her that he thinks Jorah is in love with her. Jorah gets his life spared but gets kicked out of Meereen as some really, really sad music plays. Then he looks at the greyscale that's spreading along his arm.
No Confession Here
A mean looking septa demands Cersei's confession, but Cersei remains defiant.
Cat of the Canals!
Arya gets her first big mission since arriving at the House of Black and White. She's gathering info on a man who runs a shady insurance scheme. After bringing the intel back to Jaqen, he hands her a vial of poison.
Qyburn visits Cersei and informs her of the crimes she's accused of—that's quite a list! She asks if there's been word from Jaime, which there has not. Qyburn goes on to tell her that Pycelle sent for her uncle Ser Kevan, who is now Hand of the King. Ser Kevan won't see her. She begs Qyburn to get Tommen to come see her, but Tommen won't see anyone and also won't eat. Qyburn says that there's a way out, which Cersei takes to mean confessing, which she won't do. The evil septa returns and Qyburn leaves, but not before letting Cersei know that the work continues . . . presumably in that creepy lab of his!
Theon brings Sansa another meal in her room, and she demands to know why he blabbed to Ramsay about her escape plan. Theon/Reek says that there is no escape. He recounts what Ramsay did to him, but Sansa has no sympathy because of what Theon did to her family. He agrees that he deserves what's happened to him. When talking about the boys he killed, Theon slips and confesses that Bran and Rickon are alive.
A Feast for the Crows
Roose is discussing Stannis's impending attack. He feels that they're better equipped to handle a siege, but Ramsay wants to take 20 good men and bring the fight to Stannis first. Maybe Ramsay will die—wouldn't that be nice?
It's a Tyrion/Daenerys tête-à-tête! I'm still trying to process the fact that they've met on the show. They talk about their respective fathers. When the topic switches to Varys, Tyrion tells her Varys has done what he's had to do, but she probably owes her life to the Spider. Tyrion gets a job as her adviser! He suggests that maybe Daenerys would be better off ruling where she is and skipping the return to Westeros, where she won't have support from most of the great Houses, but she's prepared to see an end to that system.
One Last Fight
Jorah is ready to jump into the fighting pits so that he can fight for his beloved Queen. I do not see this ending well for him.
Not Even for a Drop of Water
The septa dangles water in front of Cersei to get her to confess, but Cersei won't break. The septa dumps the water on the ground, and once she leaves, Cersei scrambles to drink it.
Watch That Kid
Gilly is tending to Sam's injuries again when they're interrupted by Olly. He questions Sam about Jon's decision to save the Wildlings, and Sam replies that they need everyone to fight the White Walkers, including Wildlings. Sam urges Olly not to worry, Jon always returns; um Sam, I *don't* think Olly gives a crap about Jon's safe return.
ACTION!!!! And It's Only Episode 8!
Jon and Tormund arrive at Hardhome. There's a ton of Wildlings amassed there, and they don't look thrilled to see Crows in their midst. Rattleshirt pisses off Tormund, who beats Rattleshirt to death. Yeah! The elders gather for a chat, and Jon makes his case for the Wildlings to join forces to fight the White Walkers. He presents the dragonglass Sam gave him. Things get awkward when a Thenn asks where Mance is; Jon says he put an arrow through him. Tormund has to quickly explain that it was an act of mercy. Jon Snow drops an f-bomb! Most of the elders are persuaded to go with Tormund, except for the Thenn, of course. F**king Thenns.
The Wildlings that are ditching Hardhome assemble to board the boats. My favorite moment: Wun Wun the giant's "conversation" with Dolorous Edd! BAHAHAHA! What's not funny, however, is the freaky white mist that suddenly descends, followed by . . . WIGHTS! Hell ERUPTS all around. I really feared for Dolorous Edd for a moment there. I loved the epic shot of Jon drawing Longclaw out of its scabbard!
Jon spots the Four Horsemen of the Ice-ocalypse and runs for the dragonglass. He passes by Wun Wun the giant, who's flicking wights off of him like mosquitoes. Wun Wun also stomps them. Jon and the a-hole Thenn from earlier end up facing an actual White Walker, which disposes of the Thenn in a matter of seconds. Jon is disarmed and taking a whupping until he finds Longclaw and smashes the White Walker into icy shards. So Valyrian steel also kills White Walkers!
But here's the Night's King! That dude who turned Craster's baby son into a White Walker baby last season? And a sh*t ton more wights have joined the chaos! Realizing that this situation has turned hopeless, Jon, Tormund, and Edd run for the boats. Wun Wun walks. The Night's King makes his way to the edge of the water and has an intense staring duel with Jon. His Royal Ice-ness lifts his arms and BAM! All the dead Wildlings rise as icy undead!
In the Next Episode
Thorne, Dorne, poison, and (fighting) pits! Good times!