Discussing Game of Thrones: The Spoils of War

* Spoilers ahead if you haven’t seen “The Spoils of War.”

This week's late recap of last week's episode comes courtesy of a router that crapped out yesterday morning. I wrote about half of this recap late Saturday night and was going to finish up on Sunday morning, but I had no Internet on Sunday morning. After tinkering around with the modem and router a bit and cursing a lot, the router seemed to be the culprit. I only bought that POS router a few months ago after another router had suddenly quit working, so I was about as happy as Daenerys upon finding out that the Lannisters took Highgarden. We're all good with the Interwebs now, though, so on with the recap!

This was the shortest GoT episode ever, clocking in around 50 minutes, but it was one of THE BEST episodes ever. Not hyperbole! Not a wasted minute! Not enough exclamation points!!!!

Where's My Castle?

Jaime is escorting the Highgarden gold back to King's Landing, and he has Bronn and Bronn's always entertaining wit to accompany him. Although Jaime gives Bronn a hefty bag of gold for his troubles so far, Bronn is still looking for that elusive castle to call his own. Meanwhile in King's Landing, that dude from the Iron Bank whose name eluded me until I Googled it (Tycho Nestoris), is happy to hear from Cersei that the Lannister debt repayment is in transit.

Bran Continues to Creep Everyone the Hell Out

Littlefinger, thoughtful as ever and still annoyingly alive, gives Bran the dagger that the assassin Catelyn fought off back in the first season was about to use on an unconscious Bran. How sweet! Bran asks Littlefinger whom the dagger belonged to, and Littlefinger says he doesn't know, which is not what he told Catelyn back in the first season. We even revisit this scene before the episode; Littlefinger claims that the dagger was his, but he lost it gambling to Tyrion. We all know what happened next: Catelyn had that fateful run-in with Tyrion on the road and took him prisoner, setting off the chain of events that we've been watching unfold for the last six seasons. So really, it's all Littlefinger's fault! XD We saw Melisandre unsettle Varys in the previous episode, and here Bran spooks Littlefinger a bit by quoting the latter's "Chaos is a ladder" speech to Varys a couple of seasons ago.

Meera stops in to say goodbye to Bran before departing for home. She's reluctant to leave him but if the White Walkers continue their march south, she needs to be with her family. I felt horrible embarrassment on Bran's behalf because poor Meera is visibly upset about going while Bran remains completely stone-faced. She finally loses it and reminds him that her brother, Hodor, and Summer all died to protect him, and she nearly died, too.

ARYA IS BAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!

I almost cried when she saw Winterfell in the distance! Welcome home, Arya!!!!! If only those asshole guards would believe that you're really Arya Stark and let you in. That's OK, though; Arya just sneaks in, and Sansa finds her down in the crypt. It was nice to see the Stark sisters reunited at last. Arya mentions her kill list, and Sansa kind of laughs, but Sansa will very soon realize that Arya wasn't kidding. The sisters find Bran in the godswood, and he's about as happy to see Arya as he was to see Sansa. That is to say, there's barely a reaction. What the HELL is up with Bran? Did becoming the Three-Eyed Raven = becoming a zombie?

The Writing is Literally on the Wall

At Dragonstone, Jon leads Daenerys into a cave to see the dragonglass before the mining starts. The massive amount is impressive, but wait—there's more! He shows her some drawings on the cave walls made by the Children of the Forest; at one time, they worked together with the First Men to fight the White Walkers. I half expected Daenerys to accuse Jon of making those drawings himself since she's been pretty bitchy with him so far. The paintings finally seem to have convinced her that the White Walkers do exist, and she agrees to help Jon . . . when he bends the knee. Daenerys has been saying "bend the knee" so much that it reminds me of how Triumph the Insult Comic Dog ends a sentence with, " . . . for me to poop on!" Daenerys sure as hell poops all over this scene, which also seemed to be hinting at some attraction between her and Jon. Who's supposed to be her nephew. If the Little Birds of the Interwebs are right, however, that familial relationship is going to be explained away. And if it isn't, what the hell. There's already twincest on the show anyway!

Outside the cave, Tyrion and Varys are waiting for Daenerys to deliver the news that they took Casterly Rock, but they've lost Highgarden. Dealt one crushing blow after another, a frustrated Daenerys accuses Tyrion of being loyal to his family instead of to her. She's ready to take the dragons to King's Landing and asks Jon for his opinion, and he sagely replies that if she burns everything, she'll be no different from the other tyrants who've ruled Westeros. Like her father.

Arya Shows Off Her Skills

Brienne and Pod are sparring in the Winterfell courtyard when Arya turns up. She wants to train with Brienne—hell yeah! Sansa and Littlefinger watch as Brienne and Arya spar, and holy shit is Arya amazing! The scene gets even better, though, when Brienne asks Arya, "Who taught you how to do that?" Arya's perfect reply: "No one." BRILLIANT!!!!

A Terrible Time to Wash Up on Shore

Theon and the Ironborn who survived Euron's attack arrive on the shores of Dragonstone just as Jon is RIGHT. THERE. Jon's face is murderous, and he grabs Theon, telling him that what Theon did for Sansa is the only reason Jon won't kill him. Theon hopes that Daenerys will help him rescue Yara, but Daenerys is gone.

Dracarys x 10 Million

The battle sequences on GoT have become fiercer with every season, and this one—let's just say that it pretty much made up for the episode running 10 minutes shorter than usual.

No one in Westeros ever expected the Dothraki to cross the Narrow Sea, but here they are, charging at Jaime, Bronn, and the Lannister army. Jaime just looks completely shell-shocked here. Bronn urges him to flee and get back to King's Landing, but Jaime insists they can hold them off. That is, until Daenerys and Drogon show up! The visual effects artists did a phenomenal job bringing Drogon to life, and if I saw that flying at me, of course I'd totally shit myself! DAMN!!!!!

Daenerys and Drogon proceed to Dracarys the flaming hell out of the Lannister army; there are screaming men on fire everywhere, while others have been completely burned to ash. For fantasy, this scene looks incredibly realistic. Jaime is still like, WTF???? but gathers enough sense to tell Bronn he has to man the Scorpion, AKA the giant dragon crossbow. Bronn nearly gets killed trying to make his way to the weapon and more than once thinks about hauling ass out of there. He gets to the Scorpion, though, and with an efficiency that makes you wonder exactly when the hell he learned how to operate this thing, fires a bolt that actually hits Drogon. Daenerys manages to land him, and while she struggles to remove the spear/bolt/whatever, Jaime sees that she's vulnerable and decides to attempt to become a Queenslayer as well as a Kingslayer. Meanwhile, Tyrion is also there, watching all of this unfold, and he wills Jaime to just get the hell out of there. The fucking idiot, as Tyrion calls him, is about to get roasted by dragon fire (Drogon fire, more like, LOL) when Bronn shoves him out of the way. Both men plunge into the water, which looks surprisingly deep considering that Jaime and Bronn didn't seem that far from the shoreline to begin with. XD The last shot of the episode is of Jaime, weighed down by his armor and golden hand, sinking and sinking . . . .

In the Next Episode

Tyrion may have to have a little chat with Daenerys about her Kneel or Burn policy. Bran sees the White Walkers at Eastwatch—watch out, Tormund!