Discussing Game of Thrones: The Iron Throne & Final Thoughts on Season 8

* Spoilers ahead if you haven’t seen “The Iron Throne”

My last GoT recap is here, and I wish I could say it felt bittersweet, even. Instead, thanks to a hot mess of a final season riddled with character-destroying writing and pacing, I'm feeling rather Bran-esque, i.e. I feel nothing.

Speaking of The Branster, after 8 seasons, 73 episodes, and a shit ton of emotional investment in these characters, we got Brandon Stark, First of His Name, Ruler of the Six Kingdoms, Three-Eyed Raven, and Master of the Creepy Hard Stare. Yeahhhh . . . . D & D must have been like, which character would deliver the most shock value ruling over Westeros in the end? Check and mate. And that's been THE problem this season— breakneck pacing that doesn't build plausibility.

I also didn't expect a happy ending for whichever characters made it to the end because this is GoT after all; I don't expect rainbows and unicorns at the end of the books, either, if GRRM ever deigns to write more of them. But really, I expected more out of the TV series finale.

On to the high/low lights (mostly low, though):

Tyrion's Grim Discovery

Tyrion and Jon are walking through the ruined streets of King's Landing and see bodies and devastation everywhere. Tyrion goes off on his own against Jon's advice, and we know where he's headed: to look for Jaime and Cersei. He finds them among the rubble of the cellar, and his reaction is just gut-wrenching.

All Hail Queen Daenerys and Her Absolute Authority Over Absolutely Everyone

With the help of a little (hahahahahaha) dragonfire, Daenerys has done it— she's won the Iron Throne. Before her assembled Dothraki and Unsullied, both of whom have magically multiplied since the Battle of Winterfell where they seemingly suffered heavy losses, she delivers a chilling speech. In a nutshell, she puts the rest of the Seven Kingdoms on notice to expect a visit from her and Drogon very soon so she can build a new world with only people who love her in it.

Tyrion and Jon are both like, what in the seven hells just happened???!!! Tyrion quits as Hand of the Queen and promptly gets arrested. It's interesting that Daenerys, who was so quick to execute Varys for treason in the previous episode chucks Tyrion in a makeshift cell that's not really a cell. This conveniently buys Tyrion time to receive a visit from Jon and convince the latter that Daenerys is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and needs to be stopped, and only Jon can make that happen.

I had a hard time sympathizing with Jon, who agonizes over what to do. My problem goes back to never buying Jon and Daenerys as a couple. Jon and Ygritte? Yes. Daenerys and Drogo? Yes. Even Daenerys's non-romantic affection for Jorah felt more substantial. So when this episode went all tragic love story, with Jon stabbing Daenerys in front of the Iron Throne, it didn't pack much of an emotional punch for me. But Drogon trying to wake Daenerys? That got me.

Drogon obliterates the Iron Throne with his dragonfire, scoops Daenerys up into one of his claws, and off they go into the sky.

Democracy in Westeros? Hahahahaha, Sam!

Fast forward a few weeks, and Tyrion gets brought out to the dragon pit where what feels like a very long time ago, the major players in the game assembled to discuss the White Walkers' threat. Now the remaining lords and ladies of Westeros meet once again over their current monarch-less situation. GoT dusts off Edmure Tully and Robin Arryn for this summit. Edmure literally plays the embarrassing uncle here, and Sansa swiftly shuts his ridiculousness down.

Sam proposes that Westeros go all-out democracy and let the people choose their leader. He promptly gets laughed at. Tyrion kinda sorta finds the middle ground in suggesting the heads of the noble houses decide who rules, and Bran would make a great inaugural choice in this new system. I didn't quite follow Tyrion's line of reasoning, but since I had very low expectations going into the final episode, OK.

I was very surprised there were no objections from the Dornish prince or Yara Greyjoy. Dorne was the last of the Seven Kingdoms to bend the knee to Targaryen rule; a house whose words are, "Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken" is totally cool with being ruled by someone else when here's an opportunity to regain independence? And Yara—isn't she Queen of the Iron Islands? She's OK with a Stark ruling over all of Westeros, not just the North? Somewhere Balon Greyjoy must be rolling over in some seaweed.

There's not a peep of dissent from any of the lords and ladies except Sansa, apparently the only smart one in the group. She's firm that the North will remain independent, and with her brother about to be crowned king because no one else seems to take issue with him ascending to the throne, it's a slam dunk win. I've got to hand it to Sansa; she ended up playing the game of thrones like a champ.

Jon Is Still a Problem

Technically a queenslayer, Jon's fate needs to be decided at this powwow as well. Grey Worm obviously wants him punished. Just as Daenerys didn't immediately deal with Tyrion earlier in the episode, Grey Worm didn't instantly kill Jon once he found out what Jon did? Is this the same Grey Worm whom Jon found executing Lannister prisoners even though the battle was over and Daenerys had won? Now Grey Worm is fine with negotiating? Give me a fucking break already. Oh, and Jon's fate? He gets sent back to the Night's Watch!!! Does the Night's Watch even need to exist anymore? The big reveal about his parentage fueled some drama for a couple of episodes and fizzles out like this? Jon even reverts to his Night's Watch hairdo. I do not consider this coming full circle or whatever; I consider it bullshit.

Tying Up (Some) Loose Ends

In a sequence of scenes showing us what happens to the characters who made it to the end, we see Bran's new Small Council. Tyrion is Hand, Davos is Master of Ships, Brienne is Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, Sam is Grand Maester, and Bronn is fucking Master of Coin and Lord of Highgarden. Davos was another character who found himself without much to do this season, so I was happy that 1) he survived and 2) he's on the Small Council. We also see Pod in Kingsguard armor—good for him!

At the Small Council meeting, Sam brings out a book called . . . A Song of Ice and Fire. I wish I were joking. Was that supposed to be clever? Like Tyrion mentioning a brothel at the very end of the scene? Because any attempts at humor here fell flat.

We see Brienne finish Jaime's entry in The White Book. This scene launched a ton of hilarious memes with alternate versions of what Brienne wrote. In a powerful montage, Sansa is crowned Queen in the North. Meanwhile, Arya, or should we now call her "Arrya Starrk" sets off for adventures on the high seas. No, really, She gets on a ship to explore whatever is west of Westeros. Here's hoping she gets to use her Faceless Man training again, because that kind of fell to the wayside after she slayed Freys.

Jon Snow returns to Castle Black, where Tormund and GHOST are waiting. GHOST GETS PETS! GHOST GETS PETS! Best scene in the entire episode, and probably the best scene all season. ♥♥♥

And oh yeah, Jon heads off with the Wildlings, beyond The Wall once again. The End. No final pan out on Bran's face showing that he was in Three-Eyed Raven mode and this garbage last season was just one of his visions.

Oh GoT, what happened to you? It seems that once you ran out of source material from the books, you didn't quite know what to do with yourself. Seven seasons of meticulous character and world building went up in dragonfire in six measly episodes. I don't know if I can ever rewatch Season 8. It just had too many wince-inducing moments, except for these 3, which I loved:

1. Brienne becomes a knight
2. Tyrion and Jaime's tearful goodbye
3. GHOST GETTING ALL THE PETS

Time to end this recap on a positive note before I start dwelling on all of my gripes again. What did you think of the final episode and the final season overall? Do you plan on watching the prequel series that's currently in the works?

Discussing Game of Thrones: The Bells

* Spoilers ahead if you haven’t seen “The Bells”

It's been a week since "The Bells," the next-to-last episode of Game of Thrones ever, aired, and I'm still extremely upset about it. I really didn't want to rewatch it so I could take some notes to write this recap, but my nerdiness for having a complete episode recap archive won out over not enduring this 80 minute cringefest again.

What made the episode so bad? The same annoyances that have been plaguing this last season— frenetic pacing, inconsistent characters, and bad writing.

I think it's easier to start with the things I did like about this episode, since there are so few of them:

1. The montage of voiceovers before the start of the episode. We hear quotes from different characters about the Targaryens. I thought the most powerful one, which was also the last one before the opening credits began rolling, was from Viserys about waking the dragon. Daenerys's inner dragon has definitely been awakened and as angry as if she had been in the middle of a really nice nap.
2. Varys still looking out for the realm. The Spider has always said that he does what he does to protect the people, and he maintains that until the very end, one of the few times on this show when a character hasn't done a complete 180. Varys almost made it to the end, but his treasonous talk in last week's episode sends Tyrion to Daenerys before the latter slips up one more time with his queen. From the interaction with one of his little birds in the beginning of the episode, it appears that Varys was trying to have Daenerys poisoned. Before Varys gets Dracarys-ed by Drogon, Tyrion confesses to Varys that he was the one who snitched to Daenerys.
3. Jaime and Tyrion's goodbye. I almost teared up when Tyrion told Jaime, who was caught trying to get past Daenerys's army and back to King's Landing/Cersei, that he wouldn't have survived his childhood without him, and Jaime was the only one in the family who didn't treat Tyrion like a monster. One of the standout moments of this season, and definitely a callback to Jaime helping Tyrion escape execution after the disastrous trial by combat.

And now on to the rest of the episode, about which I have many gripes:

Jon Has Suddenly Lost the Ability to Say More Than Two Lines

Like, for real. There have been some great memes going around illustrating the two lines that Jon Snow, Abandoner of Pets (yeah, still very bitter about that), has pretty much been reduced to: "You are my Queen" and "I don't want it." ("It" referring to the Iron Throne, of course.) When Daenerys starts lighting up King's Landing and everyone and everything in it, Jon looks like a freaking extra because he's doing very little, except for a futile attempt to get Daenerys's army to stop fighting after the Lannister men throw down their swords in surrender.

Let It Be Fear

Much, much, much post-episode discussion has focused on Daenerys becoming The Mad Queen and how long it's been in the making. Personally, I think the books, which of course are nowhere near caught up to the show's timeline, have done a better job of showing Daenerys's flaws. My issue with the transformation of her character on the show is that while she's shown moments of ruthlessness, she's also been shown in a very heroic light. I'm thinking particularly of scenes like in the third season finale, when the freed slaves of Yunkai start calling her "Mhysa" (mother) and sweep her up onto their shoulders. And yes, she's now lost two of her dragons and her beloved friend. So she's had it. But her going loco in the coconut is symptomatic of what's been happening with this whole season: it's like D & D have a to-do list of story lines to knock out in six episodes, and they're checking things off just to get them checked off. Night King and White Walkers defeated? Check. Daenerys goes all-out crazy Targaryen? Check.

And Suddenly, Daenerys Remembers the Iron Fleet

One of my complaints about the previous episode that saw Rhaegal taken out by one of the Iron Fleet's scorpion crossbow things was how no one on Daenerys's side even thought about the possibility of the Iron Fleet waiting for them at Dragonstone. Euron and his ships are stationed in Blackwater Bay for this battle, and whaddya know, Daenerys makes them her first target, destroying them instantly. Then she and Drogon take out all of the scorpions lining the walls of King's Landing. Then they just start taking out whatever and whoever are in their path. The Golden Company sees zero fighting because they're all ablaze.

Meanwhile, in Cersei's Head . . . .

Cersei watches all of the annhilation from the Red Keep and tells Qyburn that the Red Keep's never fallen and won't today. Hmm. She might want to get a second, rational opinion on that. She also tells her Hand that the Lannister troops will fight to the last. Soon after, we see the Lannister men drop their weapons. Shouts can be heard in the streets for the bells to be rung in surrender. Someone rings the bells, but Daenerys decides to fly straight for the Red Keep, continuing to burn a path of destruction. Back in the streets, Grey Worm attacks a Lannister soldier, and fighting on the ground begins between the Unsullied, the Dothraki, and the Northerners on one side, and the Lannister troops on the other. Didn't most, like 99.9%, of the Dothraki die in the Battle of Winterfell? Where did all of these Dothraki in King's Landing come from?

Oh, Jaime

After getting locked out of the gates of the Red Keep, Jaime has been trying to find another way inside. Unfortunately, he runs into Euron, possibly the most tiresome character on the show with his cringeworthy dialogue and cringeworthy bravado. The two fight, as Euron spews his usual riduclous lines. King's Landing is burning, and these two have to have a fight right now? Gimme a break. Euron gets in two nasty stabs before Jaime delivers a fatal stab wound of his own. Aaaand Euron still manages to have something to say before dying.

Commence Cleganebowl

Qyburn finally convinces Cersei that they need to move and suggests they head to Maegor's Holdfast. Around the city, the signature green of wildfire explosions can be seen.

Arya and The Hound have survived the carnage thus far and are standing on Cersei's map. The Hound tells Arya to go home. Cersei is going to die today somehow, and Arya will too if she follows him. Arya calls him "Sandor" for the first time ever; it's also the last time as Cleganebowl gets underway.

The Hound finds Cersei, Qyburn, and The Mountain heading for safer ground. Both Cersei and Qyburn order The Mountain to protect the queen, but The Mountain picks up Qyburn and hurls him into some debris, in a scene that's llike Frankenstein's monster turning on his creator. For a second it looks like Cersei is worried The Hound is going to kill her, but he only has eyes for his brother. So she slinks off, and the Clegane brothers go at it.

No matter how much The Hound stabs his brother, The Mountain's zombie-like state seems to have made him invincible. We finally see The Mountain's face after his helmet gets knocked off during the fighting, and he looks like Anakin Skywalker post-Mustafar duel with Obi-Wan Kenobi. Foreshadowing, maybe this is? The Mountain seems like he's about to smash his brother's skull in like Oberyn Martell's, but The Hound manages to break free. Even stabbing this undead dude in the eye doesn't do anything, so The Hound takes The Mountain with him for a plunge over the wall and into the fire below.

Really?

Jaime finds Cersei—HOW is this guy still standing after the fight with Euron? The twins make their way down to where the dragon skulls are kept, but the exit has been blocked by rubble. They're trapped. So: Jaime doesn't kill Cersei, Arya doesn't kill Cersei, a bunch of rocks collapsing kills Cersei. And Jaime. I'm so done with this show.

What the Actual Fuck Is This Ending?

Since parting ways with The Hound, Arya has been trying to help people escape the King's Landing bloodbath and has barely been able to stay alive herself. Covered in ash and blood, she sees a white horse, hops on, and they ride away. The End.

In the Next Episode

I'm not really sure I actually care about the last episode ever.

Discussing Game of Thrones: The Last of the Starks

* Spoilers ahead if you haven’t seen “The Last of the Starks”

It's getting down to the wire for GoT—"The Last of the Starks" is the episode before the penultimate episode and follows the intense battle of "The Long Night." In typical GoT fashion, we get a super talky episode after an action-packed one. Spoiler alert for my opinion of Episode 4: I thought it sucked.

Remembering the Fallen

The episode opens in a very somber manner, with all of those who died during the battle against the Night King laid out on pyres. There are some private goodbyes between Daenerys and Jorah, and Sansa and Theon. Sansa removing her direwolf pin and putting it on Theon is especially poignant. Jon gives a moving speech about never forgetting those who gave their lives; he looks and sounds rather kingly here, something that Daenerys in particular takes note of several times during this episode.

Gendry Gets Bumped Up

There's a subdued feast in the Great Hall, from which Arya is noticeably absent. Gendry notices, and after getting razzed by The Hound, stands up to leave and go find her. Daenerys unexpectedly acknowledges him, and things seem a little dicey as she also mentions how Robert Baratheon tried to have her killed. Awkward. It's good news, REALLY good news for Gendry, though—not only does he end up legitimized, but he's named the Lord of Storm's End!

Daenerys is quite pleased with herself for making a strategic move: not holding Gendry's parentage against him as well as making him a lord in front of all of the Northerners. We'll see in a few minutes that as smart as that was, she just can't compete in the North's popularity contest.

The Feast Lightens Up . . . for Some

The mood in the Great Hall and around Winterfell shifts to a lighter one after Daenerys's pronouncement, with Tormund wasting no time filling up his drinking horn. When he sings Jon's praises, Daenerys keenly feels how much Jon is loved in the North, where she's an outsider. Varys catches the whole thing and follows her out of the feast.

Tyrion, Jaime, Brienne, and Pod are playing a drinking game that gets super awkward when Tyrion directs a super personal question/statement at Brienne. I feel like even drunk Tyrion wouldn't be that mean-spirited, but welcome to Season 8, where the characters you've known for 7 seasons do and say uncharacteristic things. We all know what happens a few scenes later with Brienne and Jaime, and as much as I've shipped them since reading A Storm of Swords, I think the show does a rushed, clumsy job of putting them together.

Not a Lady

Newly minted Lord Gendry finds Arya practicing her archery. He excitedly tells her all about his new title, and now that he's a lord, he asks her to be his lady. Echoing a conversation she had with Ned back in Season 1, Arya replies that she's not a lady. Proposal rejected, Gendry.

Just Keep Your Mouth Shut, Jon

It's back to that thorny We're Aunt and Nephew and Jon Has a Better Claim to the Iron Throne issue for Jon and Daenerys. If words gets out about Jon's true parentage, the Northerners will press him into pressing his claim, no matter how much he insists that he doesn't want to rule the Seven Kingdoms. Daenerys says they can live happily ever after if he swears Bran and Sam to secrecy. Despite not being Ned Stark's son, Jon sure has inherited Ned's penchant for being honest to a fault. Jon insists that he must tell Sansa and Arya. Daenerys begs him not to and gets pissed off when he balks.

On to the Next Battle

It's time for another war strategy meeting, this time preparing, if you want to call it that, for the battle against Cersei. Rather than a full on assault of King's Landing that would result in innocent lives being lost, Tyrion suggests the best strategy is to get the people to turn against Cersei. If they get hungry enough, they'll blame her and abandon her. Team Daenerys's army took a huge blow during the fight with the White Walkers, and as Sansa rightly points out, those who are left are exhausted/injured and need time to recover. Daenerys takes this personally, as just another instance of Sansa disrespecting her. Jon steps in and tries to smooth things over with Daenerys, which doesn't go over well with Sansa and Arya. Arya holds Jon back after the others leave for a private word with her and Sansa.

No, Really, You Need to Shut Up, Jon!

In the godswood, Arya tells Jon that they don't trust Daenerys. When Arya says that she, Sansa, Jon, and Bran are the last of the Starks, you can see the gears turning inside of Jon's brain, like he HAS to tell them about his parentage. Jon is still half-Stark, but it's like he's forgotten that? Which annoys me immensely. I was mentally screaming at the TV for Jon NOT to say anything, but of course he does. Except we don't get to see that part.

WTF Is Bronn Doing Here?!

Seriously! Since when does Bronn do anything above what he minimally has to do in order to get paid? He travels ALL THE WAY TO WINTERFELL to threaten Tyrion and Jaime with the freaking crossbow. What a waste of a scene, especially with only 2 episodes left.

Has Cleganebowl Been Scheduled?

The Hound is hitting the road, apparently with Arya. It seems they both have "unfinished business" in King's Landing, and it's going to be a one-way trip. The Hound's business seems pretty easy to guess, but what about Arya? Going to cross Cersei's name off The List?

And So The News Starts Travelling

Tyrion tries to convince Sansa that Daenerys will be a good queen and they should be allies, but Sansa's not having it. Sansa really has learned a lot from Cersei and Littlefinger, hasn't she? She asks Tyrion what if there's someone better fit to rule than Daenerys, and you know Sansa's about to fill him in on Jon's "secret."

UNACCEPTABLE AND UNFORGIVABLE, JON SNOW

Jon says goodbye to Tormund, who's taking the Wildlings further up North. I'm going to miss Tormund and his magnificent beard and bawdy tales. Jon also bids farewell to Sam and Gilly. You know who doesn't get a fucking goodbye? That's right—Ghost! Jon asks Tormund to take Ghost with him. What. Excuse me? Your loyal direwolf, who's fought by your side, doesn't get so much as a pet goodbye? Ghost looks SO SAD!!!!!! :'( Apparently there was not enough in the CGI budget for Jon to give Ghost one last pet. Maybe cut a few seconds off one of the dragon sequences? I'm sorry, but this is GHOST! Are you only all about the dragons now, Jon Snow? Sad Ghost broke my heart, and this will go down as one of my least favorite GoT episodes ever.

Surprise! No, Not Really

Daenerys, Drogon, and her remaining ships are headed back to Dragonstone, where Euron and the Iron Fleet are waiting for them—with a whole lot more of those dragon-killing crossbow gizmos. Sooooo, there was money in the production budget for that, but not enough for Ghost's goodbye? Still not over it.

Rhaegal is shot and killed, so now Daenerys only has Drogon. Definitely not the way I pictured her taking the Iron Throne. Her ships are also destroyed, and Missandei is captured. Did no one on Team D really think they would sail right onto Dragonstone's shores without a hitch? Tyrion and/or Varys didn't think it might be wise to send a scout ahead to make sure the coast was clear? Again, I feel this season is going for all of the dramatic moments and throwing everything else out the window.

Maybe Cersei Will Win This Thing After All

Cersei has offered to "protect" the people of King's Landing by opening up the doors of the Red Keep to them. Please. What she's really doing is protecting herself and forcing Daenerys to kill the very people she's trying to win over to get to Cersei.

Cersei also has the Golden Company, who haven't just fought an exhausting battle against zombies. And she has Euron and his ships, if you want to call Euron an asset. I think he's just an ass, haha. Seriously, though, his shtick is very tiring, and I hope he finds out Cersei lied to him about Jaime's baby being his.

The T Word

Daenerys, having suffered the loss of another dragon and knowing that Missandei is Cersei's prisoner, is really being pushed to the edge. Varys has a very tough time trying to talk her out of going full Dracarys on King's Landing. Tyrion advises Daenerys to spare Cersei's life in exchange for giving up the throne. Really, Tyrion? I thought you were smarter than that. Remember back at the beginning of this season when Cersei failed to send her army north? I do. Another example of crappy writing/character development/consistency this season.

Alone, Tyrion and Varys talk treason. Varys reminds Tyrion that he's going to do what's best for the realm, and he no longer thinks that Daenerys is what's best for the realm. Tyrion is all like, I believe in our queen! Again, Tyrion, I thought you were smarter than this.

Just No, Jaime

In an episode filled with frustrating character actions, here's another gem. Jaime finds out about Euron's attack and tries to sneak off in the middle of the night. Brienne catches him and is heartbroken that he's going back to Cersei. I really, really, really, really, really, hope he's going to King's Landing to kill her, and not help her. 1) I need to know the outcome of the Valonqar theory and 2) I really don't want the show to end with him being such an asshole. Dude has been written very inconsistently over the years; can we please get it right for the end?

Showdown at the Gates

Daenerys, Grey Worm, and Tyrion are outside the gates to King's Landing, with Cersei, Euron, and The Mountain looking down at them. Cersei also has Missandei, in chains and perched dangerously close to the edge of the rampart. First Tyrion has to deal with Qyburn, who's such a psycho and blindly loyal to Cersei. Tyrion then tries to appeal directly to Cersei. Again, Tyrion, your sister IS a monster! There's no reasoning with her! She just sent Bronn to kill you and Jaime! When are you going to wake up? ARGHHHHHHH—so frustrated with everyone on this damn show!

Of course Cersei won't surrender, and there are dragon crossbows lined all around the castle ramparts. When did they have time to build all of them? It reminds me of when Yara and Theon stole Euron's ships and Euron magically had a shiny new fleet built in a snap of a moment. But still not enough money for Ghost. I'll *never* be over that.

Cersei orders The Mountain to kill Missandei, whose last word is, "Dracarys!" And that's what it looks like Daenerys is going to do to all of her enemies: burn them.

In the Next Episode

Maybe more battle and less talking?

Discussing Game of Thrones: The Long Night

* Spoilers ahead if you haven’t seen “The Long Night”

This recap of "The Long Night" is long overdue, hahaha. Episode 3 features the much anticipated and much hyped Battle of Winterfell, where the Night King and his icy minions have finally arrived. Assembled on the side of the living are pretty much everyone except Cersei and Euron, who are presumably just chillin' in Kings Landing, perhaps sipping some wine and awaiting the battle's outcome.

Meanwhile, everyone at Winterfell is about to experience what an episode of The Walking Dead must be like, as they're about to face a seemingly endless onslaught of undead wights.

"The Long Night" Is Dark and Full of . . . Darkness

As the episode opened on Sam's shaking hands and shuddering breath, the first thing I noticed was how freaking dark everything seemed. I even asked my cousin, "Is it me, or is it really dark?" She agreed with me, and many viewers also complained on social media. Granted, the battle takes place at night amid icy/snowy winds, but The Battle of the Blackwater and the Night's Watch vs. the Wildlings were also both night battles, and I had no problems figuring out who was who. Apparently the episode's cinematographer responded that viewers needed to adjust their TVs. Um, I've watched the ep on 2 different TVs and still couldn't see shit. I could really only positively ID Beric by his flaming sword, Tormund by his magnificent beard, the Hound by his height, and Jon and Daenerys because they had dragons.

The Build-Up

We see shots of everyone preparing for the battle. Theon and the Ironborn escort Bran to the godswood. Sansa and Arya survey the battlefield below. Brienne is flanked by Pod and Jaime. Dolorous Edd manages to get in a lighthearted moment when he chastises Sam for taking his time joining the line of troops. It was probably the only humor in the whole hour and 20-something minutes of this episode.

Melisandre's Light Show

Everybody is still waiting for the White Walkers to show up when a single horse with a rider comes into view. It's Melisandre, arriving just in time to use her magic to light up the Dothraki's arakhs. Not only was it an impressive display, but a very welcome one because it was one of the rare times I could actually see something.

Now that the Dothraki, leading the charge with Jorah (and there's Ghost, too!), are armed with fire, maybe the odds have tipped a little in their favor? Not so fast! The Dothraki ride to meet the dead and are immediately overwhelmed. The army of wights is just MASSIVE. Their creepy screeches get louder and louder as they press forward towards Winterfell.

Zero Visibility

Daenerys and Jon have taken to the sky with Drogon and Rhaegal, but not even dragonfire is powerful enough to withstand whatever icy magic the White Walkers are throwing down. The dragonfire extinguishes almost instantly, and Daenerys and Jon can barely see what's going on down on the ground (and thus joining everyone who watched this episode). Despite having all that fire power, it's almost useless in this fight.

When I rewatched the episode, I kind of laughed at the Graphic Violence advisory that appeared before the episode started because for the most part, I couldn't make out much of the fighting. I did, however, see poor Edd get killed saving Sam. I lost count of how many times Sam almost bit it in this ep.

Retreat!

It's not long before the living are falling back inside the Winterfell gates. The poor Unsullied, led by Grey Worm, have to protect the retreat. From up on one of the ramparts, Davos tries to signal to Daenerys to light the trenches around the castle, but of course she can't see. The archers try shooting flaming arrows, but it's just too cold. So here comes Mel to provide some more fire power. She seems to be out of magic when her repeated attempts to produce flames do nothing, and at the very last second, just as a wight is about to reach her, the trenches ignite, and a ring of fire surrounds Winterfell. Like every other strategy that the living have employed, this one doesn't last long either because the wights just start throwing themselves on the flames, effectively putting out the fire and creating a path for them to pass through until they can scale the castle walls.

Bran Out

In the godswood, Theon tries to apologize to Bran. In that mellifluous robo-voice of his, Bran tells Theon if he hadn't done the things he's done, he wouldn't be where he is today. Then Bran peaces out and goes Three-Eyed Raven.

Fierce Ladies Who Fight Ferociously

After telling Sansa to go down to the crypt, Arya has jumped full throttle into the fray against the wights. Wielding the weapon Gendry made for her, she's slashing wights with a grace Syrio Forel would be proud of. Davos catches sight of her and the expression on his face at witnessing her mad wight killing skills is like, "WTF??!! Where'd she learn to do THAT??!!"

Lyanna Mormont's fight with a giant-turned-wight has a much sadder ending. :( The giant grabs her and is about to crush her in its hand when she fatally stabs it in the eye. Both fall to the ground, another two lost in the battle.

Fire Meets Ice

Jon and Daenerys have taken the dragons above the clouds, where they're finally free of the icy storm raging below. There's about a nanosecond of calm before the Night King turns up with Viserion. I have to say—Viserion's icy flames actually scare me more than regular dragonfire! It just looks eerie and otherworldly and somehow more dangerous.

Arya Stark, Slayer of Wights

Arya is now inside Winterfell's walls, and so are the wights. They're literally everywhere. Arya is doing a great job of staying absolutely silent as she moves around until blood from one of her wounds drips onto the floor. The wights are all over the sound, and although Arya tries to throw them off her trail by hurling a book in the opposite direction, there are just too many dead roaming around for her to make a clean escape. The wights nearly overpower her when Beric and the Hound find her. Sadly, the wights kill Beric. Arya and the Hound barely make it into a wight-free room and bar the door. Melisandre just so happens to be hanging out, and Arya remembers the previous time they met, when Melisandre predicted that Arya would shut many eyes forever: brown, green, blue. That seems to stir something in Arya, and she goes running off.

The Night King Does His Thing

Rhaegal and Viserion are locked in a vicious fight. Rhaegal does a kind of crash landing, grounding Jon. Daenerys and Drogon are still airborne, and after staring down the Night King, Daenerys has Drogon release a torrent of dragonfire. When the flames die down, guess who's still standing, completely unharmed, with a smug expression on his face to boot? That's right—the Night King. He grabs one of his ice javelins, the same kind that took down Viserion, and hurls it at Drogon. Daenerys and her dragon are forced to take off to avoid the attack, and the Night King continues his leisurely night stroll to the godswood to wipe out Bran's memory.

Jon follows the Night King, and once the latter spots Jon, he does what the Night King does best: raises his hands and in doing so, raises all of the dead that are everywhere, including down in the crypt. Remember what a *great* idea sending Sansa, Tyrion, Varys, Missandei, Gilly, Little Sam, and the women and children down there seemed? Oh wait—it was NEVER a great idea because they're surrounded by potential wights! Make that actual wights, because the dead Starks buried there suddenly find themselves reanimated. I was hoping we'd see Zombie Ned, but alas, I don't think he appeared.

11th Hour for the Living

Things are looking desperate for our heroes and heroines. The wights swarm Drogon, and Daenerys gets dropped/thrown off as Drogon tries to take off to shake the wights off. Daenerys is now on the field, weaponless and completely vulnerable. It's Jorah who saves her from near death-by-wight. Daenerys picks up a sword and does her best to fend off the dead.

Jon is *still* trying to race to the godswood, but it's not looking like he's going to get there in time as a rampaging Viserion blocks his way. In the godswood, Theon is out of flaming arrows and seemingly out of time as the Night King and his squad approach. In a poignant scene, Bran tells Theon he's a good man and thanks him. The Night King kills Theon, and with that smug expression on his face once again, takes his sweet ass time approaching Bran, and then takes his sweet ass time drawing his blade. Nothing like milking the tension here.

Just as the Night King is about to do the deed, Arya comes FLYING at him! Like, legit flying! He grabs her and is about to kill her when she catches her falling weapon and STABS THE NIGHT KING IN THE HEART!!!!!! He shatters, as do his cronies, as do all of the wights. The Long Night finally ends, but not without another casualty—Ser Jorah.

Melisandre Necklace Drop

This insane episode wouldn't be complete without Melisandre's departure. We see her walking away from Winterfell, and as she does, she removes her necklace and drops it. Without it, she's just a really, really, really, really, really old, withered lady, and off in the distance, we see her fall to the ground, her purpose apparently served.

In the Next Episode

Time to take out Cersei!

And Now My Griping Begins

OK, so I have some feelings about this episode:

• I felt like some of the scenes favored going for artsy, cinematic shots or whatever over moving the story along. For example, I thought it was ridiculous how long it took the Night King to walk up to Bran, then draw his weapon. Sure, that bought Arya time to come flying in like the queen she is, but I half expected the Night King to also twirl his horns like a villain would twirl a mustache.
• I don't know how I feel about the Night King and the White Walkers being defeated. I'd always pictured that battle being the final one, since the series is called A Song of Ice and Fire, after all. Jon spent so much time rallying allies with the argument that the battle between the living and the dead was more important than the battle for who sat on the Iron Throne, and now it looks like the series is going to end focusing on the battle for the Iron Throne.
• I expected the dragons to do more in this episode? Or was the episode trying to show that having dragons doesn't mean an automatic victory?
• When did this show become all about saving Bran Stark? Now that he's safe, is he going to play any other role, or will he just continue staring creepily at people?
• Did I mention that this episode was really, really, really, really dark?

Discussing Game of Thrones: A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms

* Spoilers ahead if you haven’t seen “A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms”

Woohoo—I'm actually posting this recap before the next episode airs!

I have . . . mixed feelings about "A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms." As much as I LOVED some scenes (*ahem* Brienne and Jaime *ahem*), I wasn't entirely crazy about the way the ep was structured. We all know the epic, battle-to-end-all-battles between the living and the dead is nigh (next week?), and this episode focuses, almost painstakingly so, on the characters gearing up for that battle. I get it's the calm before the storm, but after all the characters' chatter and occasional banter, I'm feeling even more anxious about how this mammoth of a show is going to wrap everything up with now only 3 episodes remaining. "A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms" takes place entirely at Winterfell, which isn't a bad thing at all, but Cersei and Euron are still out there (sans elephants) and players in the game. But enough of my griping, on with the recap!

A Reminder of Why Jaime is Called the Kingslayer

The episode opens with a tense scene in Winterfell's Great Hall: for the first time, Daenerys confronts the man who killed her father. Although she's never tried to sugarcoat how horrible her father was, she's still looking right at Jaime, a knight of the Kingsguard who killed his king. The situation becomes even dicier when Jamie says that Cersei isn't sending her army, as she had promised. Tyrion tries to defend his brother, but Daenerys turns her anger towards Tyrion for making a giant mistake in believing that Cersei would help fight the White Walkers.

Sansa brings up how Jaime attacked Ned in the streets of King's Landing, and a defiant Jaime won't apologize for fighting for his family. It's time for a Bran Stare! Bran interrupts by blurting out a slightly modified version of what Jaime said back in Season 1 before pushing Bran out the window: "The things we do for love."

Thankfully ending the Bran awkwardness, Brienne stands up and vouches for Jaime. I LOVE BRIENNE!!!!!!!! For Sansa, Brienne's word is good enough, and Jon tells Daenerys that they need every man who can fight. So Jaime gets to stay, but Tyrion is most definitely on Daenerys's shit list.

Where's the Weapon?

Last week, Arya gave Gendry a sketch of a weapon she wanted him to make for her. This week, she wants to know why her rush order hasn't been completed yet.

Soooo, I'll just jump ahead to That Arya and Gendry Scene since it caused such a stir on social media and inspired some very bawdy memes, lol. So, it's maybe the end of the world and Arya, under all of that Faceless (Wo)Man training and killing, is still a human being looking to make the most of what might be her last night alive. Personally, I wasn't all that invested in what Arya, Gendry, the Hound, Beric, Winterfell soldier #34, or whomever had planned for the evening. I was much more interested in the pre-battle strategy meeting with all of the major characters and when the hell Jon was planning to tell Daenerys that BTW, he's the true heir to the Iron Throne. More on that later . . . .

More Bran Stares

In the godswood, Jaime apologizes to Bran for pushing him out the window and asks why Bran didn't tell his family what Jaime did. Bran says that he wouldn't have gone down the path he has (to becoming a robot, I mean, becoming the Three-Eyed Raven) if Jaime hadn't pushed him that day. Jaime asks what's going to happen after the battle, and Bran is like, how do you know there's going to be an afterwards? Yikes!

An Insult-Free Conversation

Tyrion and Jaime are together again, in the most unlikely of places. Jaime asks what Daenerys is like but gets distracted while Tyrion is talking by Brienne watching Pod spar. Jaime heads down there, and his civility actually alarms Brienne, lol. The scene gets serious when Jaime says he's not the fighter he once was, but if Brienne will have him, it would be an honor to serve under her command. *FLAILS AND SCREAMS*

Mormont Still Calls Daenerys "Khaleesi"

I thought that was very sweet! Jorah admits that he was bitter when Daenerys named Tyrion as her Hand, but he also admits that Tyrion is a very smart man and advises Daenerys to forgive Tyrion's mistakes.

Daenerys Turns on the Charm

After her conversation with Jorah, Daenerys goes to see Sansa in private. Daenerys really makes an effort to try to thaw the iciness between the two ladies, and it seems like they're finding some common ground when Sansa asks what's going to happen to the North after the battle with the White Walkers. The cold returns as Daenerys is like, duh, I'll be Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, and Sansa is like, um, no, the North will never bow to anyone again. Fortunately, the arrival of Theon prevents further escalation for the moment.

Daenerys asks about Yara, and Theon tells her that his sister has returned to the Iron Islands. He then turns to Sansa and asks if he can fight for Winterfell. Extremely interesting that he asked Sansa, not Daenerys.

Is the Crypt Really That Safe?

Davos is serving food and meets a little girl who reminds him of Shireen. She asks where she should go when the battle starts—she's prepared to fight. Gilly comes over and says that she and Little Sam will be down in the crypt with the other women and children, and she'd feel safer with the girl protecting them.

Later in the episode, Daenerys orders Tyrion down to the crypt during the battle. Does anyone else have a bad feeling about this? There's too much mentioning of the crypt in this episode, so you know shit is gonna go down, er, down there. Isn't it also a bad idea to take shelter in a crypt surrounded by the dead when we've seen plenty of dead turned into wights?

Some Welcome Faces

After their disturbing discovery at Last Hearth, Tormund, Edd, and Beric make it back to Winterfell. Tormund grimly informs Jon that the White Walkers will be there before the sun comes up the next day. In some much needed comic relief, Tormund asks if "The Big Woman" (Brienne) is still at Winterfell, hahahaha.

It's War

Just about every major character who's made it this far is present for the battle strategy meeting. Jon proposes trying to take out the Night King, hoping that everyone else under his command will fall. Bran says that the Night King might leave himself vulnerable if he goes after Bran to destroy him and all that he knows. Bran says he'll wait for the Night King in the godswood, and Theon volunteers to stay with him, along with the Ironborn. Tormund observes that they're all going to die, but at least they'll die together.

And Now Our Watch Begins

Up on a rampart, Sam asks Jon if he's dropped the parentage bomb on Daenerys yet. And who's that hanging out in the corner of the screen? IT'S GHOST!!!!!!! YASSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! Dolorous Edd joins them, and I got chills thinking of them preparing to defend the Wall against the Wildlings in Season 4's "The Watchers on the Wall." Sam even mentions their fallen brothers Pyp and Grenn.

Rise, SER Brienne of Tarth!

Tyrion jokes to Jaime that he wishes their father were alive to see both brothers die defending Winterfell. They're joined by Brienne and Pod, then Davos, and then Tormund, who's brought his own tasty beverage. And now it's officially a party! Tormund then regales everyone with the story of how he earned the name "Giantsbane." It was both ewwwww and funny at the same time.

Later, Tormund is surprised to learn that Brienne isn't a knight. Jaime jumps on that, and says that a knight can make another knight. In a scene that I could rewatch a million times, Jaime knights Brienne!!!!!!!!!! Pod looks proud, and the sheer joy on Brienne's face when she rises as the titular Knight of the Seven Kingdoms almost made me bawl. So of course now I'm EXTREMELY worried that Brienne won't survive the battle because the moment you find happiness on GoT, you die. It is known.

This Is Right

Outside, Sam walks in on Jorah trying to convince his cousin Lyanna not to fight. Ever the firecracker, Lyanna insists she's going to, and wishes him good fortune before walking away. Sam gives Heartsbane to Jorah, telling him that Jorah's father taught Sam how to be a man and to do what's right, and giving Jorah the sword is right. Obviously touched by the gesture, Jorah says he'll wield Heartsbane in The Old Bear's memory. Now I'm super scared for Sam's fate in the next episode and moderately scared for Jorah's.

My Name Is Really Aegon

Down in the crypt where he first learned the truth about his parents, Jon finally gets around to telling all to Daenerys. She doesn't believe him, pointing out quite rightly that Jon himself only has it on the word of his brother (well, cousin really, I suppose?) and best friend. They don't have much time to get into it because outside, there's a commotion and the horn is sounding, which means . . . THE WHITE WALKERS ARE HERRRRRRRREEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

In the Next Episode

Beloved characters are gonna die. The question is: who?

Discussing Game of Thrones: Winterfell

* Spoilers ahead if you haven’t seen “Winterfell”

GAME OF THRONES IS BACK—WOOHOO! Well, it came back a week ago and the second episode just aired, but me being me and always running behind recapping, here I am running behind recapping the final season hahaha.

The Opening Credits Get a Makeover

Yup— there's now a hole in the Wall where the Night King and ice dragon Viserion blasted through at the end of Season 7. We also see super detailed renderings of Winterfell and King's Landing, including interior locations like Winterfell's Great Hall and crypt.

If This Seems Familiar . . . .

This episode features a lot of callbacks to the very first episode of the show, including this first scene of the Season 8 premiere. Instead of Robert Baratheon, Cersei, and their entourage rolling into Winterfell, we have Jon, Daenerys, Tyrion, Varys, et al arriving as the very wary Northerners look on. It's an incredibly impactful scene. Who would've thought we'd see Tyrion and the Hound return to Winterfell?

So many things have changed since the pilot episode—here stands Sansa as the Lady of Winterfell. Arya has done a lot of "needlework." And Bran has turned into a robot. There have been some awesome Bran Stare memes going around since last week. It's like, no matter where you go, you turn around, and there's Bran, staring creepily at you.

It's Really Cold Up Here

Daenerys quickly learns how cold it is up North, from Sansa's icy reception to another scene-stealing speech by Lyanna Mormont in the Great Hall. There was some great side-eye going on between Sansa and Daenerys throughout the episode as well that I'm sure somebody has already created a montage of and posted on YouTube. But Daenerys can also throw shade, and she gets in some fiery one-liners that make it clear who the Queen is, even in the North.

BEST REUNION EVER!

Jon is in the Godswood, and suddenly so is Arya! This was my favorite scene of the episode, and such a long time in the making. There's a bit of a chill to the scene, though, too, when Arya actually sticks up for Sansa and reminds Jon not to forget about family.

But What About the Elephants?

We now check in on the happenings in King's Landing, where Qyburn informs Cersei that the White Walkers have broken through the Wall. Her response? "Good." Her concern for Westeros is truly touching.

Ugh . . . Euron is back. And he's brought the sellsword Golden Company with him. Cersei is very much disappointed that they do not have elephants, thus sparking another GoT meme.

That F**king Family

Qyburn interrupts Bronn at a rather inopportune moment with a job offer from Cersei—to kill Tyrion and Jaime. With a crossbow, of course. Bronn has always done what's best for Bronn and he's never pretended to be other than a sellsword, so it'll be interesting to see how this story line turns out.

Rescue Redux

Yara is still Euron's prisoner, but not for much longer! Theon, who jumped overboard during the battle with Euron, has returned to rescue his sister! Yara's first reaction once cut free is to headbutt Theon. With that over and done with, they discuss their next move, which is to return to the Iron Islands, where the White Walkers can't reach. Yara senses, however, that Theon wants to go fight for the Starks, and she lets him take leave.

When Your Dragons Don't Approve of Your BF

Back in the North, Jon goes flying around on Rhaegal in a pretty impressive CGI sequence. Or more like Rhaegal lets Jon fly around because he's really a Targaryen. The best part of this scene, though, is the closeup of Drogon giving Jon a look that says, "If you ever hurt my mom, I'm going to barbecue your brooding little face off."

Arya Reunites with Her Old Crew. Sort Of.

Gendry is making a mean looking axe for the Hound when Arya walks in. The Hound is like, you left me to die, and Arya is like, first I robbed you. Man, Arya's as sharp with her words as she is with her sword. She asks Gendry to make a weapon for her, and I'm still trying to figure out what that drawing is supposed to be?

Where's Your Crown, Jon?

Sansa shares the news with Jon that House Glover will be sitting tight instead of assembling at Winterfell like the other Northern houses. She's upset that after rallying the North, he's abandoned his crown to Daenerys. Sansa straight out asks him if he bent the knee to save the North from the White Walkers, or because he loves Daenerys. Fortunately, he's spared from answering that question by cutting to . . . .

Sam Gets Bad News. REALLY Bad News.

Daenerys and Jorah surprise Sam with a visit so she can thank Sam for curing Jorah's greyscale. A flustered Sam mentions that he might need a pardon for borrowing a few books from the Citadel's library and also for swiping his father's sword. When Daenerys finds out who Sam's father is, or rather, was, the truth comes out that Randyll Tarly wouldn't bend the knee, and so he was executed. A shaken Sam tries to make the best of the news and says at least he can go home now where his brother will be lord . . . . Oh wait. Dickon Tarly stood with his father and was toasted, too. Yikes!

Poor Sam asks for a moment and flees outside to collect himself only to be met with a Bran Stare. Bran says it's time to tell Jon the truth about his parentage, and Sam, Jon's BFF, must be the one to do it. Wow does Sam's life suck in this episode.

Jon Snow, These Are Your Real Parents

The ever dutiful Samwell meets Jon down in the crypt, where of course the camera can zoom in on the tombs of Ned, who Jon thought was his father, and Lyanna, whom Jon is about to find out is really his mother. But first Sam asks Jon if he knew what Daenerys did to Sam's father and brother. Awkward.

Those Artistic White Walkers

It's Tormund and Beric! They survived the collapse of the Wall! Who's that around the corner? Dolorous Edd survived, too! Best exchange of the episode, even more than Arya and the Hound's and Sansa and Daenerys's salty little convo about what dragons eat, was Edd yelling that Tormund had been turned because his eyes were blue, and Tormund screaming back that he's always had blue eyes. I'm still chuckling at that!

Not so funny: the discovery of little Lord Ned Umber's body at Last Hearth. Early on in the episode, Sansa had sent him home to gather everyone and bring them to Winterfell. The White Walkers have left another one of their freaky messages. Even less funny: when Ned's eyes suddenly open and they're the blue Edd was afraid of. It's flame on for Beric's sword.

Don't They Check IDs at the Gate?

Back at Winterfell, there's a hooded figure approaching. Of course it's Jaime, and of course there's a Bran Stare waiting for him, too!

In the Next Episode

Jaime looks rather uncomfortable standing before the assembled crowd in the Great Hall. More side-eye. The White Walkers are about to knock on Winterfell's door.

Discussing Game of Thrones: Endgame

* THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE SHOW! *

Game of Thrones finally, FINALLY returned last night, after signing off way back in 2017 (!). I could have rewatched the series from the beginning multiple times during its sad hiatus from my TV AND reread the books, but as usual, neither of those things ever materialized, lol. I meant to post this sort of look back/look ahead before last night's Season 8 premiere, but yeah, that didn't happen either. See, my intentions are good, it's just the follow through that's a bit lacking, lol.

Getting back on topic—GoT—how's it going to end? How is everything going to wrap up in just 6 episodes?! Who will still be alive at the end of those 6 episodes? Will fire prevail over ice? Will Jon Snow finally know something?

There is A LOT to wind down over 6 measly episodes. Here are a few of the things that I'm especially keen to see resolved (or, maybe not, because you know how this show goes: every character is expendable):

• The Secret Annulment: Last season, we learned that Jon's real parents are indeed Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark, confirming a long-standing fan theory. But there was even more to this huge reveal: Jon isn't a bastard. Rhaegar's marriage to Elia Martell was annulled, and he then married Lyanna. While R + L = J wasn't a surprise, I need some more backstory on the annulment part. Like, the whole, how did this happen? part. I'm not overly optimistic that we'll get the lowdown this season with the fate of Westeros up in the air, but this fangirl can hope.
• The Valonqar: I do really, really, really hope this one gets some screen time. "Valonqar" means "little brother" and was part of Maggy the Frog's prophecy to young Cersei in the books. The Valonqar is supposed to kill Cersei, and she assumes the little brother in question is Tyrion. Jaime, however, is also her younger brother. Or maybe The Valonqar, if this person exists in the world of the show, isn't even one of Cersei's own brothers?
• Where's Melisandre? In her Season 7 convo with Varys, she made it sound like Westeros hadn't seen the last of her. It'll be interesting to see if/when/where she pops up again.
• So Who Will Rule Westeros in the End? Daenerys? Jon? The Night King? White Walker #27? No one? (That was my lame attempt at a Jaqen H'ghar joke haha.) There are still quite a few players left in the game, and although I'm very invested in the answer to this question, I'm even more concerned about:
• Who Will Be Alive at the End? Jon and Arya have been two of my favorite characters ever since I read the books back in 2011, so they'd better not die! I'm also pulling for Brienne—when she first appeared in A Clash of Kings, I thought her being a lady knight in a male-dominated world was the coolest thing ever. Still do.

What are you most excited to see during the final season? Any theories as to what's going to happen? Which characters are you rooting for to survive lol?

Discussing Game of Thrones: The Dragon and the Wolf & Final Thoughts on Season 7

* Spoilers ahead if you haven’t seen “The Dragon and the Wolf.”

Soooo . . . the GoT Season 7 finale was, like, over a week ago, LOL. I've been having internet issues on and off lately, and they struck again last week. Since I stream HBO through the PlayStation now, I didn't get to rewatch the finale until last night. Enough about technical difficulties, though; it's time to talk some GoT!

I'm Going to King's Landing, and I'm Bringing . . . .

The Unsullied. The Dothraki. A ship with Tyrion, Jon, Davos, Varys, Missandei, Theon, the Hound, and that damned wight that caused a ridiculous amount of trouble in the previous episode. Everyone is gearing up for the monumental meeting between major characters that's been 7 seasons in the making. For her part, Cersei gives Frankengregor his kill priority list: first Tyrion, then Daenerys, then Jon, After that, he can take people out in any order he pleases! That Cersei; she's always so generous!

The Walk to the Dragon Pit

Bronn has the rather thankless job of escorting Tyrion and his companions to the dragon pit, where the meeting will take place. Brienne and Pod are standing behind Bronn, and there's a nice little reunion between Tyrion and his former squire. Pod is such a likeable lad; he's one of the rare characters in Westeros who gets along with everyone. Why can't the rest of them be more like Pod? LOL.

Lots of Staredowns in This Pit

There's no shortage of death glares as everyone files into the dragon pit. There's a tense moment between the Hound and the Mountain, made even creepier by those freaky, soulless eyes of the Mountain's. It looks like the Hound might throw down right there with his bro, but not this season.

That's How You Make an Entrance

Daenerys is conspicuously still absent from the gathering, and Cersei bitchily demands to know where she is. Wait—what's that sound? Could it be . . . dragons? Daenerys has indeed arrived with both Drogon and Rhaegal. Drogon dramatically roars at everyone before Daenerys disembarks and casually takes her seat. Cersei is not amused.

Wight Here, Wight Now

With all of the major GoT players finally assembled, Tyrion starts to speak. Euron, ever the douchebag, interrupts to start taunting Theon about Yara's fate. Cersei actually reigns Euron in, ordering him to shut up or leave. As expected, she thinks the White Walkers and the wights are simply a ploy to get her to pull back her army so Daenerys can swoop in and take the crown. The Hound brings out the box holding the wight, and after opening it, there's this agonizing couple of seconds where nothing happens. I seriously thought the wight had escaped or had died, as much as the undead can die again. The wight is definitely still "alive," however, and runs straight at Cersei. The Hound cuts it in half and also divests it of a hand. Qyburn looks like Christmas has arrived early and picks up the hand. Jon, sounding a bit like he's doing a demo for an infomercial, LOL, illustrates how fire and dragonglass can kill the wights.

Even for Cersei, there's no refuting this proof that the undead exist. Jaime asks how many there are, and Daenerys replies that there are at least 100,000. Euron wants to know if they can swim, and upon finding out that they can't, it's Euron—OUT! Cersei says that she'll accept a truce until the dead are defeated. Cersei being Cersei, of course there's going to be an enormous condition: Jon is to remain in the North and not take sides when the war is over. Oops, he already bent the knee to Daenerys in the last episode, and here he publicly pronounces it. Cersei is like, nope, and walks out.

Just about everyone on Team Not Cersei is pissed at Jon for his brutal honesty in declaring his allegiance to Daenerys at exactly the wrong moment. Now they're just sitting ducks for Cersei, and Tyrion says that their single sliver of hope for escaping this situation alive is for him to go talk to his sister—alone.

Cersei and Tyrion Catch Up

Well, not really. It's more like Cersei nearly orders Frankengregor to go ahead and kill Tyrion after Tyrion tells her to do it. She acknowledges that Tyrion didn't kill Joffrey, but she blames him for Myrcella and Tommen's deaths because killing Tywin left the family vulnerable to their enemies. Tyrion tells her that he loved his niece and nephew and tries to apologize, but Cersei won't hear it. He also realizes that she's pregnant.

He's Alive!

Jon and Daenerys are acting pretty flirty with each other when Tyrion returns—alive! Cersei, Jaime, and their entourage are also back, and Cersei says that her army will march North.

Meanwhile, at Winterfell . . . .

Sansa is venting to Littlefinger about Jon making the executive decision to join Daenerys. Littlefinger hasn't had much to do this season other than fan Sansa's biggest fears, and here he suggests a possible marriage between Jon and Daenerys. Littlefinger also continues to fuel the idea that Arya is out to kill Sansa and become Lady of Winterfell.

Theon Fights Back

Everyone is getting ready to depart from Dragonstone when Theon asks Jon for a word in private. They have a heart-to-heart, with Jon telling Theon he doesn't have to choose between being a Greyjoy and a Stark. Theon is going after Yara, and he tries to rally the Ironborn who picked him up after the battle with Euron. Their leader, however, insists that if Yara isn't already dead she's as good as, and he proceeds to beat the shit out of Theon. The Ironborn thug gets a surprise, though, when he tries to knee Theon where some, um, stuff is missing, and Theon capitalizes on that split second of hesitation to fight back. Theon ends up besting the guy, earning the respect of the other Ironborn.

Justice at Winterfell

Sansa instructs a guard to bring Arya to the Great Hall. Arya looks like she's about to stand accused, but after Sansa rattles off the list of charges, she turns to Littlefinger to answer for his crimes! YASSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! He denies betraying Ned, and Bran taps into his Three-Eyed Raven database to recount the scene with perfect accuracy. Littlefinger throws himself at Sansa's mercy, and his whimpering was quite pathetic. I was really proud of Sansa in this scene for maintaining complete control over it and steamrolling Littlefinger. The scene could not have ended any better, with Arya playing executioner and slitting Petyr Baelish's throat.

You're Not Stupid, Jaime!

Jaime is hard at work planning the deployment of the Lannister army when Cersei shoos everyone else away. She asks him what he's doing. Um, preparing the troops to head North? Like you promised, Cersei? She calls him the stupidest Lannister for thinking they were *really* going to ally with Daenerys and co. Jaime, who's been soooo wishy-washy all season that I was about to give up any hope of him somewhat following a path closer to the one his book counterpart takes, is going to stand by his pledge. Cersei could care less about the threat in the North; with the Iron Bank's backing, she's hired the Golden Company in Essos to reinforce her army. Let the fighting up North weed out the playing field while she bides her time with a huge army behind her. Jaime can't believe her and is prepared to, AT LAST, walk away from her. For the second time in this episode, it looks like Cersei may order the Mountain to kill one of her brothers. Since Tyrion escaped that fate, I thought for sure that Jaime wouldn't and was screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" in my head. Maybe a little out loud. Jaime does walk away, though, and we see him riding away, covering up his golden hand with a glove, as snow starts to fall. Winter is well and truly here.

Bran States the Obvious

Sam and Gilly arrive at Winterfell, and Sam goes to see Bran. Sam's reaction to Bran saying that he's become the Three-Eyed Raven made me laugh my ass off. Sam was kind of like, "Oh. Okay. Well, then." XD Sam wants to rejoin Jon, and Bran says, in his robo-Bran monotone, that Jon is on his way back to Winterfell with Daenerys and needs to know the truth about his parentage. What smartypants Robo-Bran didn't know, and which Sam fills him in on, was that Rhaegar's marriage to Elia Martell was secretly annulled, and he then secretly married Lyanna Stark. That makes Jon, not Daenerys, the heir to the Iron Throne. That also makes him Daenerys's nephew. While Bran does his voiceover, we see Jon knocking on Daenerys's cabin door. OK, so I'd heard the rumor before the season even started that he and Daenerys were going to get together, but I tried to push that out of my head. Until it actually happened onscreen. I cannot un-see that. What made it even more cringe-worthy for me was Bran saying that Jon needs to know about who he really is just as Jon was banging his aunt. Fantastic timing as usual, Bran. Is it just me, or was Bran the King of Awkward this season?! Too bad he's not the Three-Eyed Hawk instead of the Three-Eyed Raven, because then he'd be the King of Hawkward, hahaha.

The Stark Sisters Forever!

After all of the tension-filled scenes of the past few episodes, it was nice to see Arya and Sansa have a bonding moment.

Remember the Ice Dragon?

Bran is in the godswood when he goes into a vision. The scene cuts to Eastwatch, where Tormund and Beric are. Unfortunately for them, the massive undead army is at their door, led by the Night King riding zombie Viserion. The ice dragon unleashes blue flames and annihilates Eastwatch. With that part of the Wall down, the army can pass right through and continue south. I hope Tormund and Beric survived!

Final Thoughts on Season 7

It's so sad to say that this was the penultimate season! Only 1 more left, and then, THE END. I have so many feelings on that, especially since who knows when the books will be completed. For that matter, who knows when The Winds of Winter will be completed? It seems so strange to me to see the show come to an end before the novels. I could go on and on about that subject, so I'd better move on to the topic at hand.

This was also a shortened season, with 7 episodes instead of 10, and the pacing was noticeably different. Travel times across Westeros became a running joke and the inspiration for many a meme. As exciting as it was to see characters meet for the first time after years of being involved in their individual story lines only, I couldn't help thinking some meet-ups felt rushed, Jon and Daenerys's entire . . . whatever you want to call it being Exhibit A.

Speaking of Jon, I cannot call him Aegon Targaryen. I will ALWAYS call him Jon Snow! The info-dump about Rhaegar and Lyanna felt exactly like that—an info-dump. That's a HUGE plot point, and I definitely wanted more back story than a line or two from Gilly and Bran using his Three-Eyed Raven powers to attend the secret wedding. Speaking of Rhaegar, that flashback gave me flashbacks to Viserys's hairstyle in Season 1. XD

The dragons looked absolutely STUNNING this season! Kudos to the VFX team for making them look so realistic! One of my favorite scenes from this season was Drogon unleashing epic flames on the Lannister troops in Episode 4, "The Spoils of War."

It was only a matter of time before Littlefinger died. Other than whisper like a creep in Sansa's ear and try to turn her against her sister, he didn't have a whole lot to do at Winterfell.

Maybe it's the facial hair, but Euron makes me think of Liev Schreiber as Sabertooth in X-Men Origins: Wolverine. XD

It was nice to see Hot Pie and Gendry again! Finally, the closure we've been waiting for as to whether Gendry ever stopped rowing that boat, LOL. On a more bittersweet note, it was also nice to see Nymeria again and to know that she was OK.

And now, for the next to last time, here's the requisite list of:

Peeps We Said Goodbye to This Season

Obara Sand, Nymeria Sand, Lady Olenna Tyrell, Randyll Tarly, Dickon Tarly, Thoros of Myr, Benjen Stark (for real this time? LOL.), Petyr (Littlefinger) Baelish.

Discussing Game of Thrones: Beyond the Wall

* Spoilers ahead if you haven’t seen "Beyond the Wall.”

While late recaps have been the norm for me this season, LOL, this recap almost didn't happen at all thanks to no Internet for 3 days. I finally had time to swap out a crappy cable modem for a new one, and we're back in business!

This episode—WTF???!!!! There were so many WTF moments, I think I'm going to group them all together at the end, after we talk about the plot-y stuff first.

Into the Snow the Snow Bros Go

The Avengers-like super team of Jon, Tormund, Jorah, Gendry, the Hound, Beric, and Thoros are looking for the White Walkers, hoping to capture one and bring it back to King's Landing to show Cersei. Remember that stupid plan? It's just . . . stupid. Anyway, the group is well into this insane mission, and the show takes the opportunity to "reunite" Gendry with Beric and Thoros; Gendry is still quite upset about that time the Brotherhood Without Banners sold him to Melisandre, and she put leeches down his breeches. In a poignant scene, Jon offers to return Longclaw to Jorah, who declines. Later there's an amusing exchange between Tormund and the Hound; Tormund mentions the "beauty" he has waiting for him back at Winterfell, and a horrified Hound realizes it's Brienne. BAHAHAHAHAHA! That's about the last of the humor, though, before the shitshow starts.

That Damn Letter

Arya confronts Sansa about the letter Arya found (or, rather, Littlefinger wanted her to find). Sansa says that she was only a child then, and she was coerced into writing it. It gets pretty vicious between the sisters, with them accusing each other of doing nothing to stop Ned's execution. Arya further accuses Sansa of betraying their family, and Sansa counters back that they never would've taken Winterfell back if the Knights of the Vale hadn't arrived because of her. Sansa tries to defuse the situation a bit by pointing out that this infighting is exactly what Cersei would want to see, but Arya won't back down.

Heir, Heir

Tyrion and Daenerys discuss their upcoming meeting with Cersei, and it gets tense when Tyrion lets her know that he thinks she went too far with the Tarlys' punishment. She says that burning them was necessary and then again questions whose side Tyrion is really on. He also voices his concern over the lack of a successor if something should happen to her since she insists on going into battle herself. Daenerys is suspicious and won't hear any further talk on the matter until after she's actually wearing the crown.

Flame On!

Back beyond the wall, the snow is really picking up and visibility is very poor. Jon and co. spot a bear, but it's not just any bear. It's a freaking ZOMBIE BEAR!!! From this point on with the battle scenes in the North, it becomes really difficult to tell who's who, between the snow and everyone wearing their fuzzy coats. The bear attacks some random dude. Thoros and Beric light up their flaming swords; I never get tired of that—it's just so cool! Zombie bear is torched with flames but continues its savage attack. The Hound's fear of fire completely gets the better of him, and Thoros has to jump in and save him. The bear mauls poor Thoros, and Jorah says they have to get him back to Eastwatch. They all journey on, however, after Beric touches his flaming sword to Thoros's wounds.

Why Is Littlefinger Still Alive?

A panicky Sansa asks Littlefinger where Arya could have gotten the letter from, and he says he doesn't know. Lying bastard. Sansa worries that she'll lose the Northern lords if they find out about the letter. Littlefinger plants the idea in Sansa's head that Arya could pose a real threat to her safety by saying that Brienne is bound to protect both Stark sisters, even if one were plotting to hurt the other.

Ice Spy with My Little Eye

At last, the frozen undead are spotted. Jon wonders where the rest of the army is since there don't seem to be that many of them, and Tormund advises they don't hang around too long to find out. The Snow Bros attack, and when Jon takes out a White Walker, a bunch of wights go down, too. It seems that killing a Walker also kills any wights it's created. The Snow Bros capture their wight, but they quickly find themselves being surrounded by the rest of the army that they didn't see earlier. Jon sends Gendry back to Eastwatch to send a raven to Daenerys, who's their only hope of getting out of this disaster. The remaining members of the group get stranded on an island in the middle of a half frozen lake, with the dead on every side. Good times!

The standoff continues, and poor Thoros dies during the night. Beric uses his sword to burn the body. Oh shit—the Night King has turned up to the battle! Beric tells Jon that the Lord of Light brought both of them back for a reason—perhaps to kill the Night King and hopefully his entire army?

Sassy Sansa

Sansa receives an invitation to King's Landing, and she's like, hell no, I won't go. She tells Brienne to go in her place, and Brienne is totally uneasy with the idea of leaving Sansa alone with Littlefinger and at the very least, asks to leave Pod behind at Winterfell for protection. Sansa gets all sassy, though, and insists that she has all the protection she needs.

Flame On, Part 2!

Raven mail must be faster than UPS or FedEx overnight because the raven has already reached Dragonstone, AND Daenerys has had time to go shopping for a snazzy new coat for the trip North. Tyrion begs her not to go, but she sets off with ALL THREE DRAGONS. ALL. THREE. DRAGONS.

And the Gold Medal for the Ice Javelin Throw Goes to . . . the Night King!

Jon, Tormund, Jorah, the Hound, and Beric are still stranded on their little island, and the ice zombies are still standing around waiting. The Hound hurls a rock at a wight that hits it right in what used to be its face. No reaction. The Hound hurls another rock that lands at the wight's feet, and this time—the wight starts moving. So do the other wights. Soon the fighting is fast, furious, and futile. There's no way the Snow Bros are getting out of this alive, and there's even a slo-mo shot to illustrate how ridiculously outnumbered they are. But wait—what's that? HOLY SHIT—DRACARYS!!!!!!!!!

Daenerys looks magnificent here—truly the Queen of Ice AND Fire. The dragons are spewing flames on the ice zombies, and suddenly, all doesn't look lost for the Snow Bros. Everyone BUT Jon scrambles onto Drogon. But wait—what is the Night King doing????? HELLLLLL NOOOOOOO—HE IS NOT ABOUT TO HURL THAT ICE JAVELIN AT VISERION!!!!!!!!!!

The sight of Viserion falling from the sky and crashing beneath the ice was absolutely heartbreaking!!!!!! I also felt murderous rage at the fucking Night King. This mofo needs to DIE!!!!!!!! He's getting ready to throw ANOTHER ice javelin when Jon spots him and tells Daenerys to leave without him. She's torn, but she goes. Drogon takes flight, and the ice javelin just misses him, as Jorah is nearly lost midair.

Meanwhile, Jon survives a plunge into icy water only to haul himself out and get noticed by the wights. He can barely lift his sword anymore. Fortunately for Jon, Uncle Benjen rides in to save him! They have a nanosecond reunion, then Benjen is sending Jon off on his horse and holds off the wights so they can escape.

Back at Eastwatch, Daenerys and Jorah are in the watchtower, and he gently tells her they need to go. She says they'll wait a bit longer, and then the horn sounds. Once. It's Jon! On board the Targaryen ship, his frozen clothes are removed, and Daenerys sees his six-pack stab wounds. I wouldn't even call them scars.

Sansa Comes Face-to-Face with What Arya's Been Up To

Now it's Sansa's turn to snoop, and she's in Arya's room going through a satchel when she finds . . . faces. They look like cheap Halloween masks, LOL. Suddenly Arya is in the room and wants to play the Game of Faces with her sister. An alarmed Sansa demands to know what the faces are. Arya tells her that if she had Sansa's face, she could become her and casually picks up the Valyrian steel dagger. There's a pause as you wonder whether Arya is actually going to kill Sansa, but Arya just hands Sansa the dagger and walks away.

Another Alliance

Jon wakes up to find Daenerys standing there. He tells her he's sorry and wishes they'd never gone. She says she's not sorry; now she's seen the White Walkers and wights for herself, and they're going to destroy the Night King and his army—together. Jon calls her his queen and says he'll bend the knee.

ICE DRAGON???!!!!!

The wights are using 4 giant chains to pull Viserion out of the ice. The Night King touches the dragon, and when Viserion opens its eye—it's BLUE!!!!!!!

OK, Time for the WTF Moments

I'm a hardcore GoT fangirl, and I know this season is shorter and moving at a brisk pace, but seriously, this episode asked me to suspend A LOT of disbelief. WARNING: This list is going to get rant-y.

• How the HELL did Gendry get back to Eastwatch so fast? How?????? In the freezing cold and snow! OK, I'm not buffed like he is from doing all the blacksmith work and shit AND I'm used to Florida weather, but I did live up North for a long time and doesn't running in that kind of cold burn your lungs? How fast can you run under those kinds of conditions?
• The ice javelin. Does the Night King always keep those handy? Do his frosty powers also give him impeccable aim? And here I poked fun at Qyburn's Scorpion/crossbow contraption. HOW did that ice javelin travel so far and with such speed and force to take out a dragon????!!!!
• I hope that Arya left her faces for Sansa to find on purpose because otherwise, that's some serious carelessness on Arya's part, and for a Faceless (Wo)Man, to boot.
• Jon and Daenerys making goo-goo eyes at each other made me want to hurl, and I don't mean hurl an ice javelin. XD When are we going to get to the part where they are/aren't aunt and nephew?
• Where in SEVEN HELLS did the Night King and crew find not one, not two, not three, but FOUR heavy duty chains, strong enough to support a dragon's weight? They looked industrial grade, FFS. And who organized them into such coordinated lines? Don't they usually shuffle about when they're on the move? This was probably the most ridiculous thing about the episode, and I ranted about it through the end credits, LOL.

In the Next Episode

THE MEETING. THE SHOWDOWN. THE SEASON FINALE!!!!!!

Discussing Game of Thrones: Eastwatch

* Spoilers ahead if you haven’t seen “Eastwatch.”

Hey—I might actually get this posted before Sunday's new episode! It's a miracle! XD

Jaime and Bronn Survive Their Deep Sea Adventure

So last week, we saw Jaime sinking into what looked like some pretty deep water, yet when he and Bronn haul themselves back onto dry land, the water doesn't look that deep at all. I really have to stop nitpicking these things. XD Jaime still appears to be stunned from the crushing, fiery defeat the Lannister army has just suffered at the hands of Daenerys, the Dothraki, and one badass dragon. He tells Bronn that Cersei needs to hear how unstoppable Daenerys is, and Bronn is like, that's great, but I'm outta here!

When You Play the Game of Thrones, You Kneel or You Die

The surviving Lannister troops are brought before Daenerys, who gives them a choice: kneel or burn. A good number choose life, but Randyll Tarly is not among them. He argues that at least Cersei has spent her entire life in Westeros, unlike Daenerys. Dickon Tarly stands by his father. Tyrion tries to intercede, suggesting to Daenerys that she send Lord Tarly to the Wall, but the latter stands his ground; Daenerys is not his queen, and she cannot give him orders.

Eh, We'll Just Hire Some Mercenaries

Back in King's Landing, Jaime tries to get Cersei to understand the decimation he just witnessed on the battlefield and how impossible a victory would be against Daenerys and the dragons. He also repeats Olenna's last words to Cersei.

Jon's New BFF - Drogon!

Daenerys arrives back at Dragonstone with Drogon, and guess who just happens to be standing near where they land? It's Jon, and he and Drogon seem to have some kind of connection, in that Drogon doesn't incinerate him on sight. Daenerys is VERY intrigued by their interaction, but the moment is broken up by the arrival of Jorah. He tells Daenerys he's cured but neglects to mention Sam's role in saving his life.

You Know Nothing, Maesters of the Citadel

Bran has a vision of the White Walkers at Eastwatch and tells Maester Wolkan that they need to send ravens. At the Citadel, Ebrose is discussing the message from Winterfell with other maesters as Sam listens in the background. Most of the maesters dismiss the notion of the White Walkers' existence and even ridicule the message. Sam can't help but speak up and says that he's seen the White Walkers, and the threat needs to be taken seriously.

I Am a King

Tyrion and Varys are discussing Daenerys's recent actions, and Tyrion insists to Varys that Daenerys isn't her father. Varys tells Tyrion that as Hand of the Queen, Tyrion has to make her listen. Varys has intercepted the message from Winterfell that was intended for Jon, and of course the crafty Spider has read it. Jon learns that both Bran and Arya are alive and back at Winterfell, and he also receives the news about Bran's vision. Jon wants to return home immediately. Daenerys doesn't want him to go and tries to pull rank, saying that she hasn't given Jon permission to leave Dragonstone, and that's when he also pulls rank and reminds her that he's also a king. Jon needs to go North, Daenerys can't pack up and leave herself vulnerable to Cersei, and that's when Tyrion proposes that they bring a White Walker to Cersei to convince her that they all need to fight together? WHAT? First of all, even if they did manage to bring a White Walker to her, I still don't think she'd care. Secondly, Daenerys literally has all of the fire power here, not Cersei, and could take King's Landing tomorrow and then head North. I just don't get what ending hostilities with Cersei really adds, but okay.

Sisterly Standoff

At Winterfell, Sansa listens to the Northern lords grumble about Jon heading Beyond the Wall. In private, Arya accuses her first of not defending Jon in front of them and then of catering to them so she'll have their support in case Jon doesn't return.

Brotherly Standoff

Bronn lures Jaime down into the dragon skull room under the pretense of training, but it's really to meet Tyrion in secret. Jaime is angry but sticks around to hear Tyrion out. Meanwhile, Davos, who was the obvious choice for smuggling Tyrion into King's Landing, seeks out . . . GENDRY!!!!! He made it back after all! Davos fires off one of the best GoT one-liners ever: "Thought you might still be rowing." BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Gendry is ready to rock and roll and fight, with his own warhammer to boot. It's sweet how Davos has kind of taken Gendry under his wing.

SERIOUSLY????!!!!!

Jaime goes to Cersei about his meeting with Tyrion. She already knew about it, of course. Cersei is now not so opposed to coming to some kind of agreement with Daenerys so they can use it to outsmart her. Cersei is also pregnant! I. AM. HORRIFIED. Dammit, TV Jaime! Why can't you be more like Book Jaime?????

Hi, I'm Gendry. I'm a Bastard, Too

That's pretty much how Gendry introduces himself to Jon, LOL, after Davos urges Gendry to keep mum about his parentage. Gendry is ready to fight, fight, fight!

Gilly Says Something Important. Like, REALLY Important

Confession time: I usually tune out whenever Sam and Gilly scenes are on. So of course they give Gilly this bombshell line of dialogue in the middle of her reciting a bunch of boring facts about some maester's records or some shit. I don't even remember, except for the part about RHAEGAR TARGARYEN GETTING A SECRET ANNULMENT AND THEN BEING SECRETLY MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE IN DORNE. That's right.

Arya vs. Littlefinger

Arya tails Littlefinger around Winterfell, and she spies him being really sketchy, culminating in him hiding a letter he'd asked Maester Wolkan to retrieve on behalf of Sansa. Arya breaks into Littlefinger's room to find it and read it. Littlefinger secretly watches her lock his door after leaving, making it appear that he meant for her to find the letter all along.

Snow's Bros, Assemble!

Jon and his compatriots arrive at Eastwatch. Tormund inquires after "The big woman," i.e. Brienne, which makes even broody Jon crack a smile. This motley group, comprised of Jon, Jorah, Davos, Gendry, and Tormund, is about to get even more intriguing when Tormund leads everyone to a cell holding Beric, Thoros, and the Hound. So. These are the guys who are going to capture a White Walker and bring it to Cersei. I LOVE IT!!!!

In the Next Episode

Tensions appear to rise even more between Arya and Sansa. It also looks like we're finally going to see a showdown with the White Walkers. That shot of Beric and the flaming sword looks epic!

Discussing Game of Thrones: The Spoils of War

* Spoilers ahead if you haven’t seen “The Spoils of War.”

This week's late recap of last week's episode comes courtesy of a router that crapped out yesterday morning. I wrote about half of this recap late Saturday night and was going to finish up on Sunday morning, but I had no Internet on Sunday morning. After tinkering around with the modem and router a bit and cursing a lot, the router seemed to be the culprit. I only bought that POS router a few months ago after another router had suddenly quit working, so I was about as happy as Daenerys upon finding out that the Lannisters took Highgarden. We're all good with the Interwebs now, though, so on with the recap!

This was the shortest GoT episode ever, clocking in around 50 minutes, but it was one of THE BEST episodes ever. Not hyperbole! Not a wasted minute! Not enough exclamation points!!!!

Where's My Castle?

Jaime is escorting the Highgarden gold back to King's Landing, and he has Bronn and Bronn's always entertaining wit to accompany him. Although Jaime gives Bronn a hefty bag of gold for his troubles so far, Bronn is still looking for that elusive castle to call his own. Meanwhile in King's Landing, that dude from the Iron Bank whose name eluded me until I Googled it (Tycho Nestoris), is happy to hear from Cersei that the Lannister debt repayment is in transit.

Bran Continues to Creep Everyone the Hell Out

Littlefinger, thoughtful as ever and still annoyingly alive, gives Bran the dagger that the assassin Catelyn fought off back in the first season was about to use on an unconscious Bran. How sweet! Bran asks Littlefinger whom the dagger belonged to, and Littlefinger says he doesn't know, which is not what he told Catelyn back in the first season. We even revisit this scene before the episode; Littlefinger claims that the dagger was his, but he lost it gambling to Tyrion. We all know what happened next: Catelyn had that fateful run-in with Tyrion on the road and took him prisoner, setting off the chain of events that we've been watching unfold for the last six seasons. So really, it's all Littlefinger's fault! XD We saw Melisandre unsettle Varys in the previous episode, and here Bran spooks Littlefinger a bit by quoting the latter's "Chaos is a ladder" speech to Varys a couple of seasons ago.

Meera stops in to say goodbye to Bran before departing for home. She's reluctant to leave him but if the White Walkers continue their march south, she needs to be with her family. I felt horrible embarrassment on Bran's behalf because poor Meera is visibly upset about going while Bran remains completely stone-faced. She finally loses it and reminds him that her brother, Hodor, and Summer all died to protect him, and she nearly died, too.

ARYA IS BAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!

I almost cried when she saw Winterfell in the distance! Welcome home, Arya!!!!! If only those asshole guards would believe that you're really Arya Stark and let you in. That's OK, though; Arya just sneaks in, and Sansa finds her down in the crypt. It was nice to see the Stark sisters reunited at last. Arya mentions her kill list, and Sansa kind of laughs, but Sansa will very soon realize that Arya wasn't kidding. The sisters find Bran in the godswood, and he's about as happy to see Arya as he was to see Sansa. That is to say, there's barely a reaction. What the HELL is up with Bran? Did becoming the Three-Eyed Raven = becoming a zombie?

The Writing is Literally on the Wall

At Dragonstone, Jon leads Daenerys into a cave to see the dragonglass before the mining starts. The massive amount is impressive, but wait—there's more! He shows her some drawings on the cave walls made by the Children of the Forest; at one time, they worked together with the First Men to fight the White Walkers. I half expected Daenerys to accuse Jon of making those drawings himself since she's been pretty bitchy with him so far. The paintings finally seem to have convinced her that the White Walkers do exist, and she agrees to help Jon . . . when he bends the knee. Daenerys has been saying "bend the knee" so much that it reminds me of how Triumph the Insult Comic Dog ends a sentence with, " . . . for me to poop on!" Daenerys sure as hell poops all over this scene, which also seemed to be hinting at some attraction between her and Jon. Who's supposed to be her nephew. If the Little Birds of the Interwebs are right, however, that familial relationship is going to be explained away. And if it isn't, what the hell. There's already twincest on the show anyway!

Outside the cave, Tyrion and Varys are waiting for Daenerys to deliver the news that they took Casterly Rock, but they've lost Highgarden. Dealt one crushing blow after another, a frustrated Daenerys accuses Tyrion of being loyal to his family instead of to her. She's ready to take the dragons to King's Landing and asks Jon for his opinion, and he sagely replies that if she burns everything, she'll be no different from the other tyrants who've ruled Westeros. Like her father.

Arya Shows Off Her Skills

Brienne and Pod are sparring in the Winterfell courtyard when Arya turns up. She wants to train with Brienne—hell yeah! Sansa and Littlefinger watch as Brienne and Arya spar, and holy shit is Arya amazing! The scene gets even better, though, when Brienne asks Arya, "Who taught you how to do that?" Arya's perfect reply: "No one." BRILLIANT!!!!

A Terrible Time to Wash Up on Shore

Theon and the Ironborn who survived Euron's attack arrive on the shores of Dragonstone just as Jon is RIGHT. THERE. Jon's face is murderous, and he grabs Theon, telling him that what Theon did for Sansa is the only reason Jon won't kill him. Theon hopes that Daenerys will help him rescue Yara, but Daenerys is gone.

Dracarys x 10 Million

The battle sequences on GoT have become fiercer with every season, and this one—let's just say that it pretty much made up for the episode running 10 minutes shorter than usual.

No one in Westeros ever expected the Dothraki to cross the Narrow Sea, but here they are, charging at Jaime, Bronn, and the Lannister army. Jaime just looks completely shell-shocked here. Bronn urges him to flee and get back to King's Landing, but Jaime insists they can hold them off. That is, until Daenerys and Drogon show up! The visual effects artists did a phenomenal job bringing Drogon to life, and if I saw that flying at me, of course I'd totally shit myself! DAMN!!!!!

Daenerys and Drogon proceed to Dracarys the flaming hell out of the Lannister army; there are screaming men on fire everywhere, while others have been completely burned to ash. For fantasy, this scene looks incredibly realistic. Jaime is still like, WTF???? but gathers enough sense to tell Bronn he has to man the Scorpion, AKA the giant dragon crossbow. Bronn nearly gets killed trying to make his way to the weapon and more than once thinks about hauling ass out of there. He gets to the Scorpion, though, and with an efficiency that makes you wonder exactly when the hell he learned how to operate this thing, fires a bolt that actually hits Drogon. Daenerys manages to land him, and while she struggles to remove the spear/bolt/whatever, Jaime sees that she's vulnerable and decides to attempt to become a Queenslayer as well as a Kingslayer. Meanwhile, Tyrion is also there, watching all of this unfold, and he wills Jaime to just get the hell out of there. The fucking idiot, as Tyrion calls him, is about to get roasted by dragon fire (Drogon fire, more like, LOL) when Bronn shoves him out of the way. Both men plunge into the water, which looks surprisingly deep considering that Jaime and Bronn didn't seem that far from the shoreline to begin with. XD The last shot of the episode is of Jaime, weighed down by his armor and golden hand, sinking and sinking . . . .

In the Next Episode

Tyrion may have to have a little chat with Daenerys about her Kneel or Burn policy. Bran sees the White Walkers at Eastwatch—watch out, Tormund!